How NOT to Ski in One Easy Lesson

/ roughwighting

Lake Tahoe, Squaw Valley, skiingHalfway down a mountain overlooking Lake Tahoe, I think grimly: I will eviscerate him first. And then…then I’ll look for a den of bears. Bears must be hiding here in this bone-chilling Sierra mountain – and I’ll show them the way to my boyfriend’s (make that ex-boyfriend’s) body.

This occurs back in the time when my guy was a new guy in my life. Upon reading this memory, you may wind up amazed that he’s still my guy and not long gone.

You may think me cold and heartless to harbor such thoughts, but after reading about his insistence during our early romance to drive to Squaw Valley at Lake Tahoe where “I’ll teach you to ski – it’s easy. You’ll have it down in one easy lesson” – you’ll come away believing my hope to torture him with an electric prod rather tame.

My question while my heart races faster than a champion horse and as pure terror fills my veins like cold blood in a vampire, my question at the time is – WHO could be mean enough, or clueless enough, to think he can teach a neophyte who grew up in flat Southern New Jersey to ski in one frozen weekend?

My almost-former boyfriend, that’s who.

Despite an MIT degree and pure brain brilliance (at times…), he deduces that showing a long-legged, clumsy, quirky (but endearing) woman who loves manicures and pedicures, who reads books as if they’re pieces of (dark) chocolate, and who owns three tubes of pink peony lipstick, to ski will be a piece of cake.ski jumper, Squaw Valley

“Don’t cross your skis!” he shouts at I attempt the beginner trail (which at Squaw Valley is at the TOP of the mountain – go figure).

“No shit,” I return in my dainty feminine way. Well, that’s the problem – usually I am a dainty feminine woman, but who can look sexy and feminine in a one-piece purple polyester ski jumper?

Yes, that’s what he’s borrowed from his good friend Debbie, who works at the ski resort. Secretly, I guess she wants to make me look like a dork – well done, I moan as I land on my tush in a pile of hard snow.

White Christmas, Bing Crosby, Rosemary Clooney, Danny KayeWho knew snow feels like rock? It’s supposed to be soft and cushy and pillowy, like in “White Christmas” when Bing (Crosby) and Rosemary (Clooney) and Danny (Kaye) get all gooey-eyed because flakes of white puffy snow twirl down onto their song-and-dance routine.

“I hate snow,” I declare to my new guy, but he doesn’t hear because my skis take on a life of their own and I begin to move, move, faster and faster and…

HEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

 

(Photos thanks to Google Images.)

57 thoughts on “How NOT to Ski in One Easy Lesson”

  1. Poor Pamela, have you checked to see whether he took out a big insurance policy on you that day which you thwarted by surviving? At least you’re stil here for me to wish you Nadolig Llawen.
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx

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  4. Never been on skis, and I don’t plan to start now. Well, maybe cross country, as ND is about as flat as a pancake, but certainly not downhill.

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  6. My ex boyfriend and I went to Aspen. I knew how to ski and thought he understood that I was an intermediate skier! He took me to a part of the mountain that had moguls higher than my height!!! There was no turning back and I thankfully made it down alive!! That was the very last time I ever skied with him. p.s. I got rid of him!!

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  8. Oh, I had several experiences like that . Friends of mine took me up ta mountain in Aspen to ski , after about 20 meters I realized that I would break every bone in my body if I continued, so I took the lift down. I prefer cross country skiing at our cabin. The same friends and my my man took me hiking in the mountains, going up was ok, coming down was not. I had thoughts of shouting all three of them at the end of this extrem difficult and long hike climbing a mountain. Thank god I don’t own a gun. I would have missed out out on a good marriage. Thirty years ago I dated a guy with a small plane. On our flight to Los Angeles he did all sorts of things to express me. I was terrified and never saw the guy again after we landed. I took the Greyhound back.

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    • Oh what stories you have to tell! Regarding the small-plane-guy – you were the smart one, returning on the Greyhound. That was spunky and smart. But yes, you’re right, if we ignored the ‘good one’ when he took us up a too-high-mountain, it would have been a love sadly lost. I bet your ‘my man’ and my ‘my man’ have a lot in common.

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    • I remember flying home (I lived on the east coast then) and telling my dad it wasn’t going to work with the new guy (who has now been ‘my man’ for many, many years). Well, what can I say? I gave him another chance (and he never asked me to ski again..).

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  10. Wonderful phrasing and choice of words – I felt like I was right there on the mountain with you. And yes, I agree, why the heck is snow so darn hard?!?

    This post actually makes me think of a slightly different topic too. What is easy to another is not always easy to yourself – and vice versa. Whenever my wife tells me that it’s simple to do x, y, z, I am flabbergasted that she feels I could do said x, y, or z without harm to self, others, or property.

    But, it goes to show me that when something comes so easily to you, it’s not necessarily because it is simple. It’s because you are good at. It is something that you excel at and are skilled at – it’s one of your gifts that you possess. It takes stepping back and looking at yourself from another’s point of view to sometimes see your talents clearly 😉

    Thanks for sharing and best wishes for an inspired day!

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    • Darn, I actually taught a good lesson in this post, didn’t I? Or at least the way you explain it I did. That is so smart! Yes, we should appreciate that we’re good at something and value it as a gift. My college roommate wanted me to watercolor like she did (she was a brilliant art major). She kept telling me how easy it is, but I couldn’t put brush to paper. On the other hand, she wanted me to write her English essays – I always got A’s, and she got C’s… 🙂

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  15. I’ve never quite understood the appeal of going downhill on a pair of waxed slats of wood… I have enough trouble standing up on icy snow, let alone cruising downhill at so many miles an hour! (grin)

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  16. Oh, I’m so glad to see so many non-skiers! I could just about write the same story about the one and only time I went golfing. It was forty-plus years ago and I STILL have no desire to take up golf. Kept the guy, though.

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  17. Me and snow are also not a good mix. I have never attempted snow skiing…nor will I. As I have stated in prvivous comments I HATE SNOW! I used to like it when I was a kid. It meant snow days…no school…hot chocolate and sledding with huge bon fires. As an adult it means driving in the stuff…snow shovels, cold temps and fear of bursting water pipes! THAT is why I live in Texas now! LOL! Those things were reality when we lived in Michigan (4 years and 18 days)! If I never see another snow flake it will be too soon…LOL!
    Good thing your guy is still your guy…if he were MY guy, he would be buried in a snow drift somewhere not to be discovered until Spring! Ha ha ha ha! 🙂

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    • I love your sense of humor – I’ve told you that before, right? You are now a Texan, through and through. And if you ever meet my guy, I’ll tell him to steer clear of any snowdrifts. (Spring comes late in these parts…) Tee hee.

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  19. This is SO funny! Oh, it’s good to ski by and see you for a minute here in the blogosphere. Actually, it’s quite odd. On Friday night (the day you published this) Barry & I were just reminiscing about the time he and the kids took me to a * black diamond* run. I ended up flat on the butt & crying while my 6-year old cheered me on. The end of a non-existent skiing career. Always enjoy reading your stories!

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    • Of course you discussed skiing debacles just as I posted it – we’re switcheroo sisters! But I felt your pain as I read your black diamond experience. Both of our tales are probably the reason we ended up with writing careers, instead of downhill-skiing ones.

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  20. Brilliantly funny, and I’m with you on the no ski-ing thing. I broke a tiny but very important bone in my knee joint (I now have a metal screw in there instead!) on my first run down when skiing with my sister (who’s brilliant) one New Year. I didn’t want to tell her how much of a beginner I was. Ended up still in a leg brace and on crutches for my 21st birthday in mid February! Not to be repeated. Hugs, H xxx

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  24. I endured a similar fate when a (thankfully) ex-boyfriend attempted to share the joys of skiing with me. He didn’t have a purple onesie to lend me, but suited me up in his extra long johns. I was terrified the hospital staff would think I regularly wore men’s underwear if I ended up in the emergency room!

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    • Oh, that is funny! When we were kids, our parents told us to not wear dirty underwear cause ‘what would the doctors think if you get in an accident?’ Now, here you were worrying about wearing your boyfriend’s underwear. Well, good news is that you didn’t have a skiing accident!

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