BACK TO SQUARE ONE

birthday, aging, baby

Baby Pam

Today’s my birthday. A big one. I’m not big on birthdays. They make me think too much. Let’s go back and observe…

looking out window, thinking, agingI’m 6 years old. I look out my bedroom window for answers. Who am I? What the heck am I doing here? Where’d I come from?

The clouds and the sky and the next-door neighbor’s dog, barking at their front door, give me no answers.

Who am I?

Now I’m 13. I look out with the same questions, same bedroom window. I concentrate on the trees with deep intensity. The leaves turn florescent blue, the tree bark purple, the sky pink and sparkly. The answer is there – I can almost see it, feel it. My arm extends, hand reaching, reaching, but comes back empty.

The world at my fingertips.

At 19, I stare out that bedroom window, anxious to say goodbye to my parents’ view of life. I understand everything now. I’ve read Joyce and Woolf, Kierkegaard and Bonheoffer, Freud and Erickson.

I know all the answers…. Don’t I?

2nd baby, no time for questions

2nd baby, no time for questions

At 33 I don’t care who I am, where I came from, or what I’m doing. I’m too busy making babies, nursing babies, loving babies, and caring for my family. I’m too tired to ask any questions, much less search for answers.

aging, questions of life

Where'd the time go?

I look out the window now at 48 and wonder where my babies have gone.  Off to college and their own quests.

The quiet is unnerving. What should do I do now? The swaying trees are whispering, whispering, but I can’t hear what they’re saying.

baby, aging, grandchildren

Grandbaby 5, born March 1, 2012

And here, now, I’ve arrived to this new number on the aging chart. I dare stare out another window at hummingbirds whirring, flowers swaying, the sun winking, as I wonder:  Who am I? Where did I come from? Where am I going?

BACK TO SQUARE ONE

20 thoughts on “BACK TO SQUARE ONE

  1. Happy Birthday, Pam!

    I can’t answer those difficult questions for you. But I can tell you this: you don’t look like you could possibly have five grandchildren!

    Have a wonderful day!
    Love, Lee

    • I don’t FEEL like I can possibly have 5 grandchildren. But I love every single extraordinary soul. Charity wrote a great comment – when she suddenly had 3, her husband said, ‘it’s no longer one-on-one – it’s now zone defense.” :+)

  2. We should all look this fabulous with 5 grandchildren – are you kidding me! I think you have a lot more squares to fill in before going back to #1. Live it, do it, feel it.

  3. HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! to one of my Lyco friends!! Loved seeing your photos through the years!!! Wonderful how life changes, yet stays the same…. Love, Sue C.

  4. Happy, Happy Birthday to you, Pam. I always enjoy reading your bright, sensitive, thoughtful, and revealing writings. Welcome to “the club!” Have a great day and coming year!

    • And I know that YOUR cake will be absolutely delicious, being the exquisite cook you are. I still remember the day you brought your chocolate bread pudding over to the group for ‘taste testing.’ Best thing that’s ever melted in my mouth.

  5. Happy Birthday Beautiful Pam! You are an inspiration to us all! Your smile lights up a room and you bring joy to everyone you meet. Whatever you learned in the 60 years, you put it to good use and spread it around! A loving husband, two gorgeous “kids”, five amazing grandchildren, a wild & crazy, fun mom…kinehora, knock wood, spit three times, 60 is great! Keep writing and pursuing your passions, 60 is where it begins! You get to do all the things you dreamed of doing, plus, a lot of babysitting!!! Mazal tov!.

  6. HAPPY 60TH BIRTHDAY DEAREST, BEAUTIFUL PAM!! What a beautiful story above about a very beautiful, sweet, loving woman! I always enjoy reading all your wonderful and inspiring writings. You truly have an amazing talent and I am so thankful to you for sharing them with others. So today you turn sixty and join the club many of your old classmates have already joined or will be soon. You have definitely showed a new angle for turning 60 and it’s a very positive and enjoyable one. I can see in all your pictures that you still have that same glowing, beautiful smile you had so many years ago when we were all together back at PHS. God Bless You Pam on all your beautiful children and grandchildren. Keep your creative juices flowing with all your enjoyable blogs for they truly light up my days. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY 60TH BIRTHDAY DEAREST PAM, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, AND MANY MORE!!! Enjoy your special day and have lots of fun celebrating you! My thoughts and prayers are with you dearest friend!!! HAPPY HAPPY 60th PAM!!! Love you sweet and beautiful birthday girl!!!! Bev

  7. Very crafty that you sidestepped further defining today’s milestone! Happy birthday my old friend. Uh, I mean “old” as in we’ve known each other for 20 years, not “old” as in…uh, well, ok you know what I mean.

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