Summer Caterpillar to Senior Butterfly

/ roughwighting

Ocean City NJ, walking by the ocean, summer dayWhen I think of the ocean, I always think of Ocean City, NJ. If I’d known when I was 13, or 16, or 26, or 46, or 66 that my days summering for a week at the NJ seashore wouldn’t last forever, I wouldn’t have believed it.

For over 50 summers I spent a week reveling in the New Jersey shore. My parents rented a small 2-bedroom cottage beginning when I was 11 years old and from then on, we never looked back. THIS was our summer vacation.

When I was 14 my parents invited my Texan aunt and uncle (my mom’s sister and her very successful husband) and their two children, 15 and 17, to join us. My dad upped the ante to a three-bedroom cottage two blocks from the beach. The eight of us must have been crowded, but I don’t remember caring; we were seldom inside.

I do remember how young and ugly and ungainly I felt. My 15-year-old male cousin, Miles, ignored all of us. He teased my younger brother and didn’t even acknowledge my existence. The older cousin, Sabrina, was a gorgeous teenager with a figure like a movie star, long blonde hair, a pert nose, and a light Southern drawl. The boys on the beach ogled her with longing and lust. I walked with her on the hot sidewalk to get sandwiches for lunch, or into the ocean water for a swim, and I wanted to evaporate into the ocean swells. I was so naïve, so uncool, so …. nothing ….ChatGPT, walking along the beach, my teenage angst

Sabrina held a transistor radio as she walked, hips rolling to the Animals’ House of the Rising Sun. To this day when I hear that song, I see her beauty sway next to me, a goddess compared to my dull geekiness.

Now? Now Sabrina is a successful wealthy lawyer, stout and aged despite many face lifts. She lives in Manhattan and wants nothing to do with me or my brother or our families. She never married but, in her day, had many lovers.

teenage angst to happy senior, radiating joy at an older age

When I think of the ocean, I always think of Ocean City, NJ and how, over the years, I ripened into the opposite of nothing, swelling with vibrancy and joy and fierceness, just like the sea.

What comes to your mind with this prompt: When I think of …. I always think of …. 

73 thoughts on “Summer Caterpillar to Senior Butterfly”

  3. An amazing story, Pamela. I’m surprised your cousin doesn’t want to have anything to do with you. I think she would find you fascinating. Maybe the fact that she is stout has something to do with it. When I think of California I think of the drive from Marin County to Stinson Beach. We would take that scenic drive regularly but the sad part was I didn’t dare take my eyes off the road for fear of going over the side. We enjoyed the beach a lot and it became the motivation for building a house on the coast when we had to relocate to Texas for work.

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  5. Oh, Pam, I always thought you were so pretty! Your green eyes were/are amazing!

    My first thoughts of summer is still and always Ocean City. I felt such freedom being there. Even with a crowded beach and boardwalk it seemed wide open to me. Funny, that.

    I also felt awkward and not cool enough in my teen years. Maybe more of us than we thought felt that way? Surely a time of angst.

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    • Oh my gosh so fabulous to see you here Melaney and thank you for letting me know. Number one I was introverted even though I tried not to show it and I was always in awe of how vivacious you were, pretty and friendly with a great great laugh. I’m sure you still have all of the above. Isn’t it funny how we had different views of ourselves during those teenage years?
      And absolutely- Ocean City and the Boardwalk felt like freedom. I can still smell the cotton candy and the pizza and hear the noise of the people and the Ferris wheel on the Boardwalk. I literally did have my first kiss under the Boardwalk! Memories galore.

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  7. Wait, I think we’re sisters, Pam. I didn’t live on the beach for a cali girl and I felt the same awkwardness walking with my gorgeous BFF who wasn’t suppose to die but didn’t want to turn 60 and sadly died at 59 of CHF… skinny as a stick in the day and got big…. and I thought of myself as 2 ton Annie.. but I wasn’t…
    But I’m with you now to and “over the years, I ripened into the opposite of nothing, swelling with vibrancy and joy and fierceness, just like the sea.”

    Lovely! xx

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    • Hello sister Cindy! Ohh interesting what it’s like to bring back those awkward days and how that affects our mature soul. So sorry to hear about your BFF. Yes I’ve noticed some of the skinny girls in high school who we envied ended up having difficulties with weight later in life. But there are people like my guy who was skinny skinny in high school (and teased for it) and lean as a beach tree now. Lucky guy.
      “2 ton Annie” – haven’t heard that expression in a long time but I do remember it growing up. Even my dad called me a chubby row boat 🤨 before I became a teen. So wonderful when we grow into our true Beings. It’s not the size or shape – it’s the inside vibrant soul that matters. 💙🧡

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  9. Beautifully written, Pam. I suspect everyone feels insecure as a teen, even the kids who think they’re too cool to associate with the rabble.

    My parents went to Atlantic City (they honeymooned there). Then when I was a kid we stayed at a place in Wildwood Crest owned by three sisters, and all the same people went there every summer. But we took our kids to Ocean City.

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  10. oh Pam—what heartfelt remembrances of days on the beach! Funny how we think back on our younger selves and how we’ve grown up into seemingly someone else-🤣

    My remembrances are times on Lake Michigan with my high school girlfriends, slathered in baby oil and ogling the cute boys playing volleyball near us. Seems like yesterday—how could it possibly be 60 years ago??!!! 👙💦🧋🍦👙

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    • Michigan Lake or NJ Ocean, we girls did like to ogle. 🙂 Do you sometimes look inside and talk to your teenage younger self? I try to and yes, at times we seem to be different “selves,” but combined I think we’re just right. ❤

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    • The stereotype of the popular high school jock turning out to be the opposite in later years seems to hold true many times. And the geeks turned out to be successful in many different ways. I’ll never forget one of the neighborhood boys who was skinny and wore glasses and was totally ignored in middle and high school (discloser, I thought he was cute, but he was too shy for me to even approach). Anyway, he got several post grad degrees and (secretly, it seems) ended up working for the FBI or CIA or something like that. I wanted to look at those who mocked him and say “HA!”

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  13. My parents drove us to Atlantic City or Ocean City, NJ. My mother took off her prayer veiling and bobbed in the ocean in her black satin bathing suit with a tiny “skirt.” I remember people referred to these vacation spots as the Jersey shore—never the beach.

    High School? Because I wore a prayer veiling on my head, even to graduate with honors, I stood out as different. Over the years, attending class reunions, I have felt attractive—even pretty.

    Whatever your misgivings about your younger self, Pam, you are vibrant, beautiful, and full of WHIMSY! I love it! 😀

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    • Who knows, Marian? Maybe one summer we were both at the Jersey shore (and you’re right, never the ‘beach’) at the same time? Just missing each other by inches? (And not seeing each other because truth be told on good summer days that beach, ur, shore, could be packed.) I’m reading a non-fiction book called LABOR by an ob/gyn doctor who was born in Iran and started kindergarten on up in the U.S. Like you, she stood out as different, and it was a difficult time to develop from teens into adulthood. But look at us now!! ❤ ❤

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  14. Oooh, my Happy place! Though I have gone to Ocean City MD many more times. I think I have only been to the one in New Jersey twice.
    Sad about your cousin, but she is the one missing out. I’m glad you feel good about yourself now! ❤️

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    • My brother and his family live in MD but while we were all raising children, he joined me and mine in OC, NJ (plus, in his early 20s he was a lifeguard at OC, NJ, so he had a lot of memories and some of his buddies were still on that stand). But now he and his wife and adult kids and grandchild go to Ocean City MD. They like it because there’s a lot more “action,” particularly at night. I find the beach at the Jersey shore prettier and more walkable (but I’m prejudiced about my summer place). 🙂

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  15. What a gorgeous and powerful transformation, Pam! It’s incredible how almost all of us felt so invisible or awkward as teenagers, yet time allows us to bloom into ourselves. That line about ripening into ‘vibrancy and joy and fierceness, just like the sea’ is absolute perfection! 🦋🌊

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    • Thank you so much for your reply (the blooming seems forever at the time but is worth the awkwardness) and your compliment on my final line. After reading your latest post, I like to think that AI could NOT have written my Caterpillar to Butterfly post, or that final line. It’s a human condition.

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      • You are 100% right, Pam! 💛 AI can generate sentences, but it can never feel, live, or capture the genuine beauty of the human condition the way you did. That lived experience is what gave your piece its soul—something technology will never replicate!

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  16. I think we each had a seashore and a Sabrina as we grew up, Pam. I absolutely love your last sentence, it summs up a strong woman and That is what matters, isn’t it? Life is like Facebook, we can’t believe everything we see nor should we allow that image to put us down. Thank you for reminding me this. ♡

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  17. I think you won the lottery over your cousin. Wealth is a matter of perception. You have a family and a well balanced life filled with joy and experience. I lived in Asbury Park for about 6 months in 67. It was the hottest and coldest I’ve ever been but taught me how resilient I really was at 19. Like you, I never felt pretty or even seen but much too busy to care. I wouldn’t trade my eclectic life for money either. I’ll have to give some thought to your question. It’s interesting. Loved reading this. Keep hanging on to the whimsy.

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    • Asbury Park!! So cooool, Marlene. I learn something new about you every month. You were there before Bruce Springsteen wrote his iconic “Asbury Park” song, but waaaay before that song, when I was at the (more southern) Jersey shore, Asbury Park had quite a reputation. I bet you learned a lot there at 19. Oh, the things we did and learned in our teen years that helped us become the “strong and vibrant” women we are now. From whimsical me to whimsical you. ❤

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  19. I love this, Pam. It’s funny how we see ourselves then and now. Your cousin’s loss, I fear. There will always be those who think they are better. For all you know, she is doing her own “remember when – I was young and pretty and could get all the boys I wanted but now… “

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  20. You already know how much I love to see you when you visit OC, Pam. My favorite beach is a bit south of there, but there’s something about the boardwalk and the music pier that makes OC stand out.

    Those teen years were a slog. Like you, I grew into myself as I aged and I’m a much different (and happier!) person than I was then.

    Your vibrancy and joy and fierceness are beautiful and I’m very lucky to call you my friend.

    xo

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    • Great word for those teenage years – a slog. Except for the music. I LOVED the music, and weirdly (perhaps) I liked my English classes. ha-ha. Ohhhh, I miss seeing you and being at the Jersey shore. I think it’s been at least three years now. Maybe four. My daughter keeps saying we’ll all rent a place, but with her three teens everyone is too busy. I’m not giving up. When she has an empty nest, I can see the two of us rocking on chairs of one of those 50th avenue duplexes. Well, no, we’ll have three chairs so you can join us. 🙂 🙂 xo

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  22. Great story and so relatable. I was tall, gawky and awkward for what seemed like forever. I swam competitively for our beach club with a blonde, cute, pixie. I stayed as far away from her as I could. The only good thing going was that I had power and usually won.

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    • Don’t you wonder what the cute pixie blonde looks like now? Oh, that’s horrid of me. Good for you swimming competitively! Bet all that swimming gave you a lean long figure – looking back we realize we weren’t as unattractive as we thought. Well, maybe we WERE gawky, but ducks turn into swans. 🙂

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  23. What an evocative memory Pam – I wonder if Miles and Sabrina recall those days similarly, through the prism of time? The smell of a certain brand of sun cream immediately transports me to Denia, Spain where I long ago spent a couple of weeks with my young family. We ate nothing but paella for the first few days until we were heartily sick of it and resorted to more typical English food 🙂

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  24. Oh my goodness, Pam! I was at a doctor’s appointment this morning and guess what was playing — the “piped in” music? Yup! “House of the Rising Sun”. I hadn’t heard the song for years! Thanks for this smile of a post…this really gave me a grin:
    “The eight of us must have been crowded, but I don’t remember caring; we were seldom inside.”
    Sounds like the best sort of family vacation. xo! 💝

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  25. I grew up at the Jersey Shore ~ about 20 minutes from Point Pleasant, Manasquan, Sandy Hook, etc. Loved going down to Wildwood, Stone Harbor, Long Beach Island, Cape May . . . and Ocean City/Atlantic City. Great memories!

    When I think of Pam . . . I always think of her enticing posts! 😀

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    • Waves of nostalgia overcame me as I read your comment. No wonder we “connect” so much in the blogosphere. I wonder if we were ever at one of those Jersey shore towns at the same time? Another thing I loved to do when visiting OC, NJ was rent a bike and ride for miles. All flat! I think you were lucky to live near it all. Even walking on the beach in the winter is magical. When in high school, I’d drive with a friend the 60 minutes (we lived in Pitman, NJ) in January and walk the cold sand. Brrr, but beautiful.

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  26. Excellent post!!! I feel like I am there on that beach with you all those summers ago. You do have a way with words. I am confident that you were a green-eyed beauty who was busy writing stories as you walked the sandy shores. Those green eyes captured the magic of life, as they do to this day.

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  28. I can relate to those summer beach vacations and crowded cottages with cousins. How truly golden those days were. I also felt myself an awkward teenager. I totally get your story Pam. 🧡

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Always a pleasure to read your thoughts.