What I Might Have Become

gregorian_chant3Have you ever imagined what your life would be like if you had the occupation you’d wanted as a child? 

I have never regretted this life, I say to myself, as a mantra, over and over again. My knees send me a sharp pain directly to my head, as if punishing me for lying.

Well, maybe I’ve regretted it occasionally, but I know I’ve chosen well. I’ve chosen the only thing I can do with my life.http://www.churchofthetransfiguration.org/worship/liturgy-of-the-hours/gregorian-chant/

One more shooting pain and I’m convinced to stand up and sway to the chanting.  They’ll think I’ve gone crazy, the other nuns, but that’s okay. They decided I was a bit wacko years ago.

As I sway and listen to the singing, I feel that deep, heavy, sensual swelling erupt in my breast.

Joy.

http://www.paradoxplace.com/Photo%20Pages/France/Chartres/Window_Images/Chartres_Windows_07.htm

I am filled with an inexpressible elation that lifts me off my feet and swirls colors above and around me. Deep red, purple, yellow and white co-mingle to lift me even higher. My eyes moisten and I look around me. The church has expanded to become a cathedral. The small stained glass windows are now larger than skyscrapers, etched into murals of pastoral scenes with beautiful peasants, men and women, farming the lush land. The huge pink hand of God beacons for them; they follow.

I collapse onto the hard stone floor and feel the sisters kneel around me, clucking in dismay. “She did it again,” they say. “Shhhhhh, let her sleep. She needs to sleep.”

http://www.concordia.ca/campus-life/summer-accommodations/grey-nuns.htmlThe next time I open my eyes, I’m in my tiny gray room with a cross on one wall. A window on the other wall overlooks a small, well-tended garden. I stand up, shakily, and look out. The sun is now lowering, and the late afternoon colors bruise the landscape. I’ve been gone for ten hours.

Where was I? I wish I could remember. I kneel by my small bed and pray.

My head clears.

The hours pass.

I am, again, sure of my occupation.

What would YOU have become, if you followed your childhood dream?

What would YOU have become, if you followed your childhood dream?

35 thoughts on “What I Might Have Become

  1. When I was little and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said I wanted to be a Mommy. Now, I realize what a good choice that was, but Gramma is even better!

  2. I was thinking about this the other day! My dog (Mocha) has been visiting the veterinarian often over the past several weeks. She was diagnosed with pancreatitis last month. I wanted to be a veterinarian when I was a child.

    I called the vet last Friday when Mocha was vomiting, but the vet was on a ‘farm call’. I thought, how cool is that? Anyway, I’m not a veterinarian. I’m a programmer.

  3. I wanted to be a dancer when I was growing up. I took tap, ballet, jazz, and modern classes. I loved it! But then I went to a workshop for (what was supposed to be a week) for 3 days and got a taste of what it would really be like to have that life! No thanks! I ended up stubbing my toe so severely I had to go to the ER to see if I needed stitches. I had been running barefoot on a sidewalk and literally peeled the entire tip of toe back! Sooo…. I got to go home! YAH! I continued to dance but gave up the dream of being a prof dancer in New York… I decided I liked food and I wanted to actually have a life! ha ha! I sincerely wish I had done some things differently…you know that whole 20/20 hind vision? We all have it! But over all, I’m happy with where I am and who I am now! 🙂

  4. My childhood dream was to live somewhere with a lot of books and read, read , read. I also wanted to live in a country where people didn’t have to risk their life to go from east to west . My parents farm was within 10 miles of the the East German boarder, a very scary, dangerous place for a young girl. So my childhood dream wasn’t so much of what to become what where to be. I wanted to be in the Wild West where John Wayne would protect me. I ended up in the not so Wild West , but no John Wayne to protect me.

    • Fascinating! We see things so much more simply, but clearly, as children. I’m glad you ended up in the West, and I think it might be good that you have no ‘John Wayne’ around. :-0 And I have a feeling that you DO have books surrounding you and you read often and well.

  5. Cool story. Love it.
    I have no regrets. Although the only “office type” person I ever knew was our doctor’s receptionist, I decided I would work in an office and handle paper all day. I had no concept of office. That’s just what I did and still remember thinking the dream when I was around eight. ❤

  6. I always told my mother I wanted to be a philosopher when I grew up. I don’t know where I got the idea from, but it sounded pretty cool. I guess being a writer is kind of like the same thing 😉

  7. I am your sister kneeling in the next cell, one of those who comforted you, who knows your joys, your sorrows. Come, sister, let us rise again and go into the kitchen for some nourishment. Let us help one another balance in this life we’ve chosen. Here, eat the bowl of oatmeal and share more slowly what you’ve experienced.

    • I KNEW you were the one with me in that childhood dream. We are spirit-sisters, and even if we never ‘meet’ each other in person, we know/understand our experiences beyond distance. Thanks for the nourishment – always!

  8. As a small child, due to my love of animals, I wanted to be a veterinarian. When I got a little older and realized that euthanasia was one of the duties of a vet, that’s when I knew I could never have that job. Next dream, decided upon in high school – a teacher! 🙂

  9. I’ve wanted to be everything from a vet, to an artist on the streets of Paris wearing a red beret to an actor and even a professional three day event rider. I guess some of those are off the cards by now:-)…and yet, I don’t hanker after any of them because more than what I do with my life, or how I earn my living, I care about how I live each moment, how I treat and connect with the life around me, and I dare to say this is where I have had some success, though there’s certainly still a way to go towards a life that’s both simple and rich, both peaceful and brimming with joy and laughter. Hugs, H xxx

    • The interesting thing is that we’re closest to ‘just being’ as children, but as we get older, we’re encouraged to ‘be something special – a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher, etc. But you are so right, the greatest success is going back to learning to just ‘being’ each moment of our lives.

  10. I always wanted to be an artist but settled for teaching fingerpainting and play dough play in a preschool classroom. Loved my job, but not exactly what I envisioned when I was a child. Since retiring, I now dabble in a different form of art…I like to think that I’m still “becoming”

    • Actually, Susan, you have ‘BECOME’ a fabulous photographer! I hope my followers hop onto your site. I’m amazed at your talent. I would guess that your years of creatively teaching little ones helped lead to your new profession.

    • There’s still plenty of time for herb farming! Bet you could start a little basil plant on your kitchen window ledge right now. 🙂 I hope you read the first comment in this post. It’s pretty neat, seeing how some of us from a very early age knew we wanted to be nurturers and feed the souls of our family as wife and mother.

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