Time – A Cruel Thief?

As we begin to be inundated with “the holidays,” I shiver at the thought of how fast the time has gone.

If someone came up to me and said, “Fooled ya, it’s really May 25,” I’d gladly and willingly believe them.

In fact, just this past month I told two different people that it’s spring. And I was being sincere! Embarrassing? Yes, but my brain really can’t fathom the fact that we’re into late fall already.

Where does each day go? The goddess in charge of the calendar just swoops days up into her apron, juggles them around as if they’re playing cards to be shuffled, and then (the clinker here) snaps her fingers like a magician to make them disappear.

The weird thing is how this same goddess, when she and I were much younger, tricked the days into being as long as a string that encircles the earth. I remember a day in my 6-year-old life, for instance, when my mom and I were visiting her sick friend.  The morning crept by tick tock tick tock tick tock one minute at a time, slow slow until hours and hours later, it was still morning and I still had to play with the friend’s smarmy kid.

Once in high school, the days were still excruciatingly long: each year – freshman, sophomore – took a decade to complete. The idea of ever being an adult, on my own, away from my parents’ grip, was too ludicrous to even contemplate.

But now, spring has become fall in the blink of an eye. If time keeps racing on, laughing at me, daring me to slow it down, I will be an old lady in two blinks, feeble, stooped, alone, and lonely.

That horrible reflection turns my thoughts to Elizabeth Haileys’ quote from A Woman of Independent Means, “Time is a cruel thief to rob us of our former selves. We lose as much to life as we do to death.”

Then I berate myself for cogitating so negatively. After all, without time, we’d all be without family, loved ones, friends; in fact, we’d be unshaped and unbeautiful.

And each of us are so lovely in our own time, shaped from our own experiences, bent and doubled over sometimes, yes, but still standing strongly, still looking that time goddess in the eye and saying, “Bring it ON.”

Pauline Fisk explains it superbly in her book The Secret of Sabrina Fludde:  “The flow of time is always cruel. Its speed seems different for each person, but no one can change it. A thing that doesn’t change with time is a memory of younger days. Something that grows over time is a true friendship, a feeling in the heart that becomes even stronger over time. The passion of friendship will soon blossom into a righteous power and through it, you will know which way to go. Time passes, people move… like a rivers’ flow, it never ends. A childish mind will turn to noble ambition, young love will become deep affection, the clear waters’ surface reflects growth. Now listen and reflect upon yourself.”

So I am listening, and I am reflecting, celebrating my righteous power and deep affection for life.

And trying not to look at the clock while doing so….

1955

I see her hips move

Swinging back and forth to the music

I think she’s lonely, standing there,

In front of a pretty man named Dick Clark

Swinging her arms back and forth

Steam swaying over the long flat board

Clothes smelling freshly flattened

I want to dance with the fun people

On the TV, but there is no room

For fun, with the iron, and the board

And my mother, swinging her hips

And sighing, as loud as the iron hisses.

Baby, You Make Me Laugh

Babies make me laugh just by watching their expressions as they try to figure out the world. They make it all seem funny: birds and clouds and lawn mowers; dog bowls and T.V.’s and sneakers; rings and lips and voices. Each and every idiosyncrasy is funny, and everything and everyone in the world is idiosyncratic to a baby.

Sophie, my granddaughter, finds me especially peculiar. When I walk into a room, she looks at me and smiles. When she smiles, her eye light up and she crinkles her nose like a teenage girl flirting with the quarterback. How did she learn to do that already?

But back to me. Why am I so amusing? I read a nursery rhyme to Sophie and bounce her on my knee. She chuckles. I put a dinner napkin over her face and ask, “Where’s Sophie?” She giggles as if I’m the funniest comedian in the world. I blow bubbles on her belly and she laughs so hard she gets the hiccups. Now that’s funny.

There’s something about the sweet innocent face of a baby that makes us all smile. God, in her infinite wisdom, creates babies round and comely quite purposely. Otherwise, changing diaper after diaper after diaper, cleaning up each time the baby regurgitates her food, and trying to get the baby to stop screaming and take a nap would be impossible to endure. But just when a mother or father, grandmother or grandfather, is about to take the baby back to the hospital, where she came from, she stares at you with big wide sweet blue eyes and opens her arms to be held, smelling sweeter than a bunch of lilacs, and chortling in pure pleasure. The heart melts into molten chocolate, and the baby becomes a part of you, a third arm, another lung, some appendage or organ that you will never ever be able to do without.

Watch a baby when you have chance. She’ll remind you how peculiar and intriguing we all are, and how strange and wonderful life is, in all its mystery and delight.

Sleeping In

I can’t think of one good reason to sleep in. The idea of sleeping in makes me so uncomfortable my spine stiffens and I get a funny taste in my mouth.

I’m ashamed of this reaction. I have become one of those people – one of those overactive, overinvolved, overstimulated humans. Why else would I react in such a negative way to the idea of doing nothing on a beautiful, new, glorious early morning?

You see, if I sleep in, I don’t get my early morning walk with my dog along the waterfront, watching the fog swoop through the Golden Gate and swirl over Angel Island, pelicans diving in and out of the misty gray. On some mornings, this scene is what makes the day worth living.

The pulse of my blood, the stretch of my limbs, the smile on the golden’s wide mouth and the twirl of his happy tail. I would miss this if I slept in. As well as the warm sweet tea that my man delivers to me by 6:20 every weekday morning, with perfect milky foam and Earl Gray steaming into my olfactory senses. How could I miss this?

And then the ‘ting’ of the computer singing hello to me, the sweet greetings of East Coast friends and family who have been awake for three hours and already shared their thoughts and yearnings and news. I suppose that those messages would still be waiting for me if I slept in, but hours old. Old news.

Can I sleep in? Unfortunately many nights I can’t sleep past 3:30 a.m., much less 6 or 7 or, gasp, 8. When was the last time I ‘slept in’? Um, senior year of college? Noon, in my twin bed while my sleeping roommate slowing wakes up in her twin, dormitory noises outside the locked door, sun trying to peep through the gray blinds. Reliving out loud the crazy night before. Giggling, while struggling to not wake up.  But the door reverberates with knocks, “Get up you two, touch football on the green – girls are ahead of the boys, 6-2.” Roomie and I pop out of bed, vowing to never sleep in again and miss all the fun.

Sleeping in makes the day start too late. I’d miss the ‘me’ time, the delicate time between being in my own world, before joining the world of everyone else.

How about you?

A Solitary Surprise

Ah, to be able to get away by myself and go for a long solitary walk while my houseful of guests chatter and demand my attention in their sweet, non-demanding ways.

“Have to take the dog for a walk!” I shout out. Leash in hand, dog giving me a wonderful excuse, I nearly leap off the front stoop and race toward the wooded path just a few yards away. The leaves are beginning to turn, so I’m surrounded by mostly green hues tinged with yellows, a sudden brilliant red, an aggressive spray of orange. My spirits lift, and I think alone at last, glory be.

But at the next step, I hear a tingling sound, like chimes, and as I follow the path, crunchy with fallen yellow birch leaves, the chiming becomes louder, more insistent.

Darn. My goal is to get away from civilization. What’s this? The dog’s ears perk up excitedly, and he drags me forward, even though I’d rather find another path.

Suddenly, we walk into a clearing where a small thatched-roof cottage sits unperturbed and peaceful. A curl of smoke rises from the chimney, and a glorious symphonic sound wafts from the open door. I step away, not wanting to disturb the occupant, but the dog races toward the door so excitedly that the leash pulls away from my hand.  He has crashed the party, so to speak.

His tail disappears from the front entryway into the cottage. Mortified, I step up closer, my nose twitching at the delightful smell of freshly baked butterscotch muffins. My favorite! How strange. I raise my hand to knock on the open door, but a voice, strong yet husky and strangely familiar, shouts out, “Come in, Pam. Come in.”

Prickles of surprise course up my spine into my scalp. I hear nothing from the dog. My stomach gurgles in hope, and my foot moves forward, despite my reservations.

I enter a room so cozy and soothing I want to sink into the nearest chair and stay forever. The space is filled with a few comfortable high-pillowed chairs and a loveseat covered in blue-flowered upholstery. The wood floor is covered with a soft blue chenille area rug.  Red pillows and soft cashmere throws add a colorful accent to the inviting room, infused with light from three, large-paned windows.

A figure stands in the far doorway that leads to the kitchen. I can’t identify her at first, she is bathed in afternoon light from the stained glass window that graces the top of the front door. But she moves slightly, and I gasp.

“Amazing, isn’t it?” she says lightly.

I stare at the image of myself, standing as still as a statue while I regain my bearings. She is tall, 5 feet 7, with wavy blonde hair dotted with graying streaks. Her gray green eyes are strong and direct, her full mouth pressed upward in a gentle smile.

It can’t be.

She is exactly what I look like. She moves her head back and forth, as if to discourage me from trying to understand this phenomenon, and then she points toward one of the chairs.

“Have a seat. Let me tell you a story about life, and how little we know of what and who we really are.”

I bolt out of that door faster than a rabbit released from a trap. Even while running, I ask myself, what am I so afraid of? Learning the truth? Or discovering that life has many divergent truths?

Either way, I’m a coward.

Ten minutes later, exhausted and out of breath, I stop. What have I done? I turn around, looking for the dog. He hasn’t followed me. He’s back there, at the cottage. I retrace my steps quickly, heart beating faster than I’ve ever allowed it to. My head spins with a thousand thoughts but only one question. Why did I run?

When I reach the spot, it is only a clearing with some low-hanging underbrush. No cottage. No smells of warm butterscotch muffins. No woman, and no dog.

I have lost my chance at discovery.

“Urf!” My dog is back, leashless, but smiling widely.

I agree with him. We have many solitary walks ahead of us, searching for that path to the answers.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!